November 19, 2012.
Once again, I’ve missed school. Oh, how happy today has been. I feel so much less of everything I have to dread when I’m home here, by myself.. alone. I hate school. I don’t understand how it became such a problem in my life but I just don’t want to go anymore. I know this is bad and I should really be concerned with the amount of absences that are continually increasing. Sometimes I think to myself I will not graduate. I want to graduate because I don’t want everything I’ve done to be wasted but as of now my energy to do something, anything has ceased. I just can’t find a good enough reason to get up in the morning anymore. You’d think that graduating would be there smack in the middle of my thoughts but it isn’t.. It is overridden by other thoughts of everything I hate. I hate going to school on the bus. I don’t like having to sit next to so many strangers. They are full of germs and they like to stare at me. Sometimes I get scared I’ll lose my temper and go off on someone. There is always one person on my bus who is so damn ignorant. They cause a scene or they have to talk extremely loud on subjects I could give less fucks about. I hate my first period class. It’s all the way at the back of my school and it’s the hardest of all my classes. You’d think it would be easier if they made it my last class but no. Life has to be a bitch. I hate people overall. Some people in school just seeing their faces makes me pissed. I ask myself why are you here? I hate you. BLEEEEH! Enough of this shit! Sorry, I guess I’m not as happy as I thought I was. I will stop my list of things I hate. I’m sick. I don’t feel very well at all. Goodbye.
November 7, 2012.
I voted yesterday. It was funny because I had to pee. It was cold in that room. So I was filling out my ballot while I was doing the pee dance. People must have been thinking “stupid teenager, thinks this is a game” because when I turned around people averted their eyes. Ha, brief funny moment of my day. Oh man, I love Johnny Craig! His voice is just so ugh, fucking beautiful. It’s funny to think i didn’t like him at first listen. I guess it was because he showed them to me. It was in his room and I think the song was “Blue Dream” because I remember the saying at the end of the song. “What color are your fucking eyes?” He said with the song. My discontentment was not towards the music at all. It was because the guy I knew, him, the guy I met.. He wasn’t all into “scene music”. I thought he never would be. I thought I never would be. But once you put the stupid “label” aside you can easily compare it to other music you like. I mean that’s what I did. It was very foolish of me to judge music. Music has never judged me. It was always there for me when I needed to shut the rest of the world out. It was there for me when I had trouble sleeping. It was there for me when I had to wait for silly things, like him. I don’t know… I guess it was because I assumed his new fondness towards scream vocals and screeching guitar was because of the girl he was dating at that time. It probably was but who am I to say. I could give less fucks. Okay, that’s a lie. But enough but him. How am I gonna move one when I easily turn every subject into a flashback story of him?? Gosh, I’m so pathetic. Well my cracked screen never stopped me from using my phone. But today it will not turn on and it has managed to depress me even more. I’m missing my daily miss school once a week. Gosh, I’m so scared. I don’t know how to break this terrible habit. I want to graduate because all of my previous hard work will be for nothing. But I can’t break the fucking habit. I’m already in too deep.
November 4, 2012.
Can we create something beautiful and destroy it? If he knew what I’ve done, will he still see me the same.. I’ve been anxious about what I’ve done lately with other guys. I sometimes think that if he found out he would hate me. No, he would hate if he knew. Maybe he does hate me. He thinks I hate him but I don’t hate him. I, in fact, love him. And this is why I can’t talk to him. I’m not over him and I think I’ll never ever be over him. I miss him a lot. I feel so guilty when I catch myself going on his page just to see what he’s been up to. I tell some of my friends what I’ve done and I want them to hate me and to be disgusted with me but they are not. I hate me. I’m disgusted with me. The more I do things, the more time passes by, the more moments I make without him make me believe more and more that there is no chance ever. I shouldn’t hope for there to be but I can’t stop hoping. I want to stop hoping but the I go on his page and he post stuff like I will never stop loving you and etc. Ugh, why do I do this to myself? My freind told me to cut him off completely but I can’t. Even if it’s just us exchanging reblogs. I feel so lonely now a days. I want to talk to him. But I want to know if he wants to talk to me also. He probably doesn’t. He would’ve talked to me if he wanted to. When I get to school I sit alone on this brick wall. He’s on;y a few steps away from walking up to me to say hello but he doesn’t. Do you think he should? Maybe, he doesn’t because he thinks I hate him. But how can I hate him if I continue to play this little “reblogging game”? I have to stop. This will only lead to disaster because inside my mind I can’t help but ponder that everything he does is for another girl. His little depression is not for me. He doesn’t miss me. He doesn’t want me. And that’s fine. I’ll just forget you, it’s that simple.
November 3, 2012.
That feeling of being the family outcast.
November 2, 2012.
It’s rare when I actually get the chance to just sit down and spill my thoughts into a post for this blog. But when I do get my chance I enjoy letting absolutely no one know how I’ve been doing. Right now I’ve been listening to The Cranberries and I have their song Kiss Me on repeat. This song is so sweet. When I listen to it I can’t help but just picture young lovers.. The young lovers who are so full of awe, wonder and hope. Absolutely nothing could go wrong. I miss that. When I’m at school or on the bus… just sitting in class something will trigger a memory and believe me I don’t get that same feeling of awe, wonder and hope. The feeling is more associated with resentment, regret, disappointment, and bitterness. I feel like it is wrong to reminisce about the old times. I’m probably the only person actually reminiscing. I wonder if I would want to know if he thinks about me just as much as I think about him. Does he even think about me at all? If I could have this question answered would I? I probably wouldn’t just because of fear. My fear of the truth. But to be honest? Honestly? I know the truth. It is right in front of my eyes! Don’t I repeat myself constantly stating that I am not that girl anymore? I’m never gonna be that girl, his girl… I doubt I could ever be but just humor me. It could never be the same. If I were to receive a hug would it still bring me those butterflies. Would I still get this nervous feeling in my gut every time I heard his voice around the corner. When we kiss would it still hold it’s passion. I guess I’ll never ever know..
October 27, 2012.
Sleeping always leads my mind wondering to certain things I thought I would never really find myself pondering about. Last night, I had a dream that I just lost it. It was scary for me. Especially the part where it happened to be one of my closest friends who pushes me to the brink of it. I mean I have been having ill feelings towards her recently but never have I thought of causing her harm. Honestly, I thought I was doing better. I haven’t thought of causing harm to anyone at all for a good while. In my dream I push her to the ground and light her on fire. She is one of my best friends! Is it wrong for me to this about doing this? I’m so confused. I can’t tell if I’m getting better or worse. Sometimes I think I just shouldn’t let my mind drift because it always takes me to these dark places. I don’t want to go there, really I don’t.
October 24, 2012.
I am not that girl anymore. He doesn’t fall asleep freaking about and he doesn’t do everything in his power just to get a reply from me. I wonder how long it has been since I stopped being his object of affection. He found a new girl and she is awesome. I’m pretty sure she is a millions time better than pathetic little me. I’m just a washed up teenager expecting way too much out of my ordinary life. I want romance and I want happiness. I want to be able to come home right after I get out of school. I want my homework to be easily finished and I want school to not feel so much like a chore. I want to be able to spend time with both my parents and not feel so depressed about the.overwhelming stress that is about the two. I wish everything was simple. I want simple things right now. I want to be able to fall asleep for more than 5 hours. I want to dream about something that actually has a possibility of happening. I want someone to miss me. I want them to love me for who I truly am. But that will never happen. Life has to be complicated because life sucks. I’m tired.
October 23, 2012.
No school for me today. I’m home, here in my own solitude. I’m alone but I’m happy. I don’t want to go out there. I don’t want to see the world. I don’t want to see him. I just want to be absolutely and utterly alone. I can’t even begin to describe how much animosity I’ve grown towards social beings. I don’t want to talk, see, hear anything from anyone because if you give me enough time I will grow to hate you. I can’t stand many people. Even my own friends tend to push me towards insanity. Honestly, I feel much more.. normal.. when I’m not having to deal with the social issue at my high school. What the hell is high school anyways? There have been so many comparison to it, you know. Like high school is prison. High School is an insane asylum. High School is a daycare. High school is what? I don’t know really.. It’s depressing because I haven’t always hated my high school.. I always hated the people in it but never the chance to gain knowledge. But now, I find myself struggling with my grades. Like I’m some drowning woman in the middle of the ocean alone, barely able to breath in the scarce oxygen available before my head sinks beneath the water for good. Sometimes I think it was him. I don’t want to think it was him. Then what is left of me? Am I so pathetic that my will to survive, to learn, to live all came and went along with him? I think so. With him, I was able to find some sort of happiness in the crap of a life that was handed to me. But why is this? Is this really a teenager kind of thing where I just can’t seem to get over my first love? Or could this be something more? You can’t even begin to feel this confusion. I want it to be nothing but I can’t seem to shake how it is. What it is, I’ll never know. What I do know is that I still love him. I still want him. I still miss him. But how? I’ve been trying to move on, really I have. I’ve talked to quite a lot of hmm, retards? idiots? Whatever. I don’t know where I find these guys. And oh, the humiliation. No one knows it, but I know it. The flirting and so forth., I rather not go into detail. But it does not work. No, it didn’t work. If anything it made me hate myself more. I just can’t seem to find out what to do with myself. I just want to sleep forever. Everything disappears when I’m sleeping. His face, his voice and his memory are no longer present. Sleep saves me, for awhile. I think I’ll go sleep. I’m not going anywhere anyways. I don’t want to. I rather die.
Anonymous asked: who?
who? what? where? how? huh?
October 11, 2012
I just stared at the ground, the ground of my school. It was a huge humiliation for myself. I couldn’t bare to witness him with her so I stared. That didn’t save me though. His ARM was on her. And I was the weak girl who immediately averted her eyes before he saw my pain. I like to pretend he still cares. Yes, I know I’m foolish. I just don’t really understand what do myself. My friend says I just need to accept the facts and the facts are I’m never gonna be with him. Ugh, I don’t wanna be with him do I? He’s a complete asshole who never was considerate of my feelings. Wait, no I’m just talking out of my ass. He was a good guy, a real great guys. I’m not sure where he went but now everything is past tense. When I’m finally over all of this I want to be able to walk right past him without the slightest thought of what we used to be. Now I just need to find a way to become that. I wanna be the girl who doesn’t need anyone or anything. I used to be that girl, I wish I knew what happened to her. My mom is constantly struggling for money and so is my dad. It stresses me out. I am pretty sure they won’t be able to support me. I’m an 18 year old girl and I need to get a fucking job. Imagine what I could do with myself if I had some of my own money. I want to get my own apartment where I don’t have to deal with anyone. It’ll be my own sanctuary from the little hell hole I have for a life.